.:Un Petit Mot De Denise:.

futile or worth it? advise me.

2009-10-10T05:28:00.001-07:00

this issue is on the back on my mind. for more than 1 mth. if she ever see this post. i hoped she wld understand.

its still deeply etched in my mind. the bouquet of white roses. the bear. the note saying "happy birthday, i m sorry." still today i m brooding over it. countless told me. gif up. "pple jus walk in and out of ur life." another told me. "i cannot gif u any answer. cos u noe wad u hoped for. u noe wad u wan for an answer. go chant." i noe deep inside. i noe wad exactly wad i wan. but i noe wad will be my reaction if i ever come face to face wit her. its definitely unpleasant if i dun control myself well. and its the total oppposite of wad i want. .. chant. ... i also know. i know. but i haf no courage to face it. i noe i m gonna break down and cry.

after working. i hold on. hold on to those cherished friendships. cos i noe it is difficult to make true frens. but.... its difficult at work. i m also physically tired. and numb. pple who jus come and go. for work. i m taught to cherish pple... i want to. but how to. if she dun even understand. somehow or rather. i need her presence or a 'i am alrite, i hope u take care too'. not jus a gift. but yet. she feels i dun understand her. she might jus feel wasted to teach/guide me in the past. maybe.

i m not also angry anymore. i m hurt. fiecerly hurt.

this is still at the back of my mind. jus advise me. issit futile waiting or worth the wait? do i still matter? sld i continue to cherish this friendship or defy my principle to learn to cherish others? i m not throwing a tantrum. i m jus numb after this 1 plus yr of work and i need to feel again.

Relationships.

2009-08-31T02:04:00.000-07:00

i have been numb for awhile. for the sake of crying out loud. i want to come oout of it. i begged myself to. i want to breathe in the fresh air. jus screaming to get out. but i dun haf the guts. very soon. i m goin to walk into this numbness again. fate uncertained. can i not allow this numbness shake me again?

alot on my mind.

relationship. hah. i m scared to step in it. in this uncertain water. do i realli want this? or jus sheer desperation? or is this realli wad others say is love?

her. i believeed i realli cherish her the most. the 1st.. no. i m not turning into a bisexual. a few days ago. i thot she don't want this friendship. i m determined on the heat of anger. i will walk away. and came a parcel from her. i stared it for days. everyday i come home. wad does dis mean?.. do u want this friendship? sld i treasure u??. i m veri torn apart.

jus ytd i did reminisce wit u. the memories from a yr ago. sure it was great. i thot i was the onli 1 trying hard to be ur fren?.. clearly u made me realized u put in alot of efforts trying to care for me. i told u our friendship is of mystic bond. actually i wanna say to u ytd, that pple come and go. but also, some individuals r suppose to create beautiful bonds with each other. and never actually leave. not everyday we meet each other. maybe a yr. 2 yrs? but then we jus know we wld be always be frens. no matter what happens. thinking of the other when doin something, looking at something, saying something at some time in life. even days u might feel our friendship left a lil', it will never be depleted. i m sure of that. becos. i have some other individual that i m holding to that kinda of friendship.

might not alot pple. maybe 1 or 2? ... its enuff. enuff to make me feel i m creating value in life. i m living.

26.08.2009

2009-08-30T01:58:00.001-07:00

26.08.2009. its my 21st birthday. to say frankly. i hadn't the faintest idea how it wld actually be. no chalets. no massive invitations. jus a simple gathering to celebrate the veri day dat i actually been ard for 21 yrs. and of cos counting. putting up the images from the day reminds me of every detail that i wld definitely cherished.

we checked in to amara sanctuary. i m amazed how beautiful for an interior. most imptly comfortable.

went out to vivo again to haf our dinner.wit kelly and liyana.

and it continue into the nite....

like as always i have been sentimental bout things. neveer wanted to have a crazy nite at my birthday. no spoilers. no plans for how my celebration wld be.scary. and not careful will jus lead to disappointment for a person like me who plans things if it is impt to me. if u known me. u might think i m boring and type A. but well. its jus turn to be the perfect night for me:) been trying to piece all this nice images that we had taken, but dat's too mani. jus see which i realli treasure. i had pieced them tgt. not to explain all the happenings dat nite. but jus small words to describe them. so whenever i visit my blog. it reminds me of you guys. how it all happened.

well.. i wld sae opening my heart to some1 again, cherish her little gestures-making me pretty, my gd fortune to have them, looking at their pretty faces reminded of how we struggled for the past 1 yr, bring out courage to take another step, sheer contentment for the simplest celebration, laughing our hearts out. enjoying each other company, little heart to heart dialogues, jus brought back where we left off after graduation. i felt i m truly happy dat nite. after 1 yr. thank u guys. i'll always rmbr:)

22.8.09

2009-08-26T06:04:00.003-07:00

lovely evening i recalled. jus like how i had wished it wld be. though its slightly huger crowd. but well. its filled with my fav persons:) heartwarming. a kickstart to my 21st b'day.

Fiona. guessed i didn't realized that when we became best of frens. i believed in good fortune. good fortune dat i had her by my side. always. 3 yrs and counting. always looking out for me.

max. i rmbred i was captivated by his name b4 i knew him. bet he'll be a exciting person to be with. the 'always bully me' at work. never beats the hilarious, listening to my frustrations at work, happy be around and relaxed conversations on countless last min suppers and taxi rides. thanks max!

puaychen. always a reminder that her shoulder and her listening ear is there for me.

weixien.a spark in my life. yet i felt i cld rely on her indefinitely, even though she wld might never know. the PE coach i named her had decided to put her whistle down for awhile. for her decided path. i wished she wld be happy. thank u weixien!

always my mama chang. though we had not much to communicate to each other. i m jus grateful she actually walked into my life to guide me.

my mystic bond. its been 1 yr. she brings me close to humanity. still see magic in her eyes.

meixing.thot once b4 we wld never be able to be more than colleagues. another mystic bond which i fought to create. who touches my heart unconditionally. i believe i cld lean on her.trust her. yes. i admit she is my da jie.a beautiful fighter princess within. perfect. jus hardly been reminded. jus waiting to be seen. not only by denise tan:)

22.08.09 left a beautiful note yet again in my life. a memory etched in my mind. thank u veri much even those dat i din put up here. u'll be in facebook! ur greatest gift to me is ur presence and making my day! and stepping into my life. i felt loved.

in my world.

2009-08-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

i thot i cld not find another person to confide anymore. but i was wrong! for the past 1 yr and more.. i realised i been ranting about my environment. forgotten how beautiful heart to heart interactions are. i felt i had shared alot and tried encouragements to some others including myself.

today i felt i am alive again:)

Friendship

2009-03-18T05:01:00.004-08:00

i told myself these 3 days must be well spent. i haven failed my promise to myself.

went out wit fiona. went out wit kelly. haf a blast of time reminiscing our past. went to watched movies. bought clothes. bought shoes. cut my hair. had an hour of sleep. walked ard vivo wit fiona. borrowed her shoulders to lean on. sustaining on 1 hr of sleep was how i spent my 1st post night.

2nd day. went out wit kml. thinking to myself. i'll make it out of the best of an ordinary day..regardless how tiring. regardless how m i gonna start topics that kml wld not shoot advices and criticisms. shared the incident once again. she said i gave empty promises.. yes. i guessed i did. why can i always feel deeply wad kml tells me?.. she always manages to dig right into my heart. but for me to start. i m on my own. i wan to show her that my promises are not empty. that actions are made. but well? i will try small steps..i dun need any1 to noe. every time i see kml again, i always believed this special friendship. she neever fails to wake me. hurl at me. but i find myself treasure her even more.. cos she inevitably made me believe that real care and concern for another human being exist and she gifs me hope. she made life so simple. when she said she wld leave 1 day, suddenly, i feel i need to cherish my friend even more.. perhaps she wld be half a world away.. she wun be there share my struggles and happiness. explain why she is jus a friend. she is not even my bf/gf/ wadever u name.. i still cherish her so much. becos! if you love music as much as me, that u play or hear b4 a classical piece, you wld understand how music acconpaniment brings spirit in the music. how a strike on a drum can make u wan to march on. how a clarinet and flute brings flutter in the music.... how a horn brings majestic feel in u... how a trumpet announces its entrance. how a violin strung, can bring u so much sadness.. and can touch u so much, yet gif u wings to fly upon.

she is one of the beautiful accompaniment in my life.

on the 3rd day. i meet my dearest fren kelly. its been a long time. deciding for the longest time also if i sld hold on dis friendship. it turned misses to neutral feelings. i noe i m not prep to lose dis dear fren.. in the end i held on still. becos. i noe she will still be there after a long time. so therefore, our friendship is seems to be hanging on a thread, it will not break unless 1 of us cut it. and becos i still believe in dis friendship. it will last.

typing so much.. it jus dawned on me. m i thinking too much into all this? why not i jus breeze thru life. smiling and saying bye to pple dat walk in and out of my life like many others. and indulge in my own 'happiness'.. why do i wan to contribute and making efforts in others' happiness. becos. simple reasons. i dun wan to lead my life not knowing how to care and feel how a true friendsip is like. how to lost dat some1 due to time and not making efforts. becos by spending time as much as i can wit pple ard me. seeing their smiles. makes me feel i m truely living my life.

i lived my 3 days well. its time to move on to challenges and a hope-filled life that my comrade used to tell me.

before the love of my life comes, these pple hv already paint colours in my life.

your loyal fren.

2009-03-11T06:57:00.002-08:00

life's been's a rollercoaster in this few mths..

struck by reality. be it the one you thot u loved the most. be it work. be it the struggles of your life.

after so much struggles. i find myself given a longer time and room to breathe and think for my next step. thot of the good old days when i m free to make mistakes and see myself dreaming of a happy and blessed future- missing them much and now yet i have to move on. i haf found my strength. and not also forgetting the old days.

today i watched marley and me. i m once again reminded that life's a journey. its not always smooth. i sld nt lament the fact that it is NOT smooth and believe that life is not hard. its hard in fact. but i reminded myself others had it harder. change in yourself is inevitable. everything is always changing. and dat change is the only thing that is not changing. and dat i sld be reminded that my dearest canine fren, benji has been wit me ever since struggles get better of me.. and how i got better of struggles.

while i was watching the movie. it reminded me how i almost gave benji up in a few days that i got him cos of the incessant barking in the nights. it never took another sec that i want him away from my life. but lucky i did not give him up. cos when i m down and i need some1 to hug, he was always there. 24/7. his innnocent big eyes always staring at me... wanting to comfort me yet he dun noe how...but he is there.

late nights studying for exams and sleepless nights for me, he cld not sleep well too.

scolding him when i m mad for wat he did... he jus looks at me blankly.. and after awhile he forgot and wants to play wit u.

riding him on my bike.. jus me and him.. seeing him enjoying the breeze when i ride like madness to our destination- the pet farm... which he refuses to play and followed me to sit down instead of playing.

waking up to him sleeping beside me.. is my fav thing....

dan it came to the end of movie... its heartbreaking... and remind us that only memories can keep the dog and owner together.

them dogs, are truely a companion and truest fren and even family in life. each dog for each individual.

the movie said that if you give your heart to them, they would definitely gif their heart to u.

from now.. i'll cherish every moment i can spend wit benji. cos i'll be strong dat one day he wld not be there and i cld onli live on the memories together. that part of the ardous journey he is there walking wit me.

a question mark in life

2009-01-28T21:51:00.002-08:00

its jus not a way to start a new yr. a new yr, should start wit fireworks. looking at the clear blue sky. streamers-filled hope all ard. like a party, with happiness.

but not for me. i m still caught in a whirlpool of darkness. still stuck. not gonna lie to myself dat i dun feel hope anymore.

i m angered. it cld jus end in a few hrs in the past. now. it jus continue for mths. and jus thinking dat if it continues.. i cld jus turn numb 1 day..

no.. i will nt will turn into evrybody else in the ward. deceive. self interest. why can't every1 haf no motives. yes. i m jus daydreaming. wld the world be nice? even me myself. i can't promise i can be the same happy carefree person. dat i wun turn into everybody else.

saying i haf a dream. so wad's dat dream? where issit? or issit wad life my mum said. work. and dat's it. dat's all. why dream of something big yet too afraid to achieve. be a simple worker. yet. i m not ready to accept dis fate. i jus wanna be happy, fulfilled in life in wadever i do.. be it 1 day i leave nursing. leave every1 dat touched my heart and in search of my dream. do i dare to go after it?

m i blinded by my own weaknesses? of so much dat i jus said. or jus its time to move on? dat i feel all dis uncertainty, anger, unhappiness? i wan to move on to something i'll be happy. i believe no matter how hard. i will grit my teeth to move.

but if i jus stay here. w/o complaints. can it lessen my mum's worries for me?

dan again. wld i be happy?

i do not want to be devoid of feelings. not to ill-treat pple ard me jus bcos of wad i m goin thru in my life. dan again. wad is my life compared to the serious sufferings of others? but dan again. i guessed their lives had more meaning.

jenga jenga!

2008-12-03T07:57:00.003-08:00

was looking at some old photos hah. funny thing wad technologoy can do.. we dun flip photos album now. i can jus merge images all tgt. rmbr when keng soon was still wit us.. we went out all tgt as a gang marching to minds' cafe. it jus brings back laughter when we r jus concentrating on the game of jenga. liyana loud screams. how we become insane aft the game.. look at the photo. esp those who r inside. haahaa!!

pple ard me.

2008-10-26T06:38:00.006-08:00

been wanting to blog abt my life. charmaine commented my blog is dead. hah.

well. life's been better for me. lil' angels are popping ard me. or they r jus there always. i never seem to notice them. or. jus to focused on my struggles.

i been thinking of putting photos of them. but well. some i dun haf. or some i jus looked weird. anyways. those who see dis entry dun see their faces. do not mean u meant less to me! haahaa..

let start wit colleauges. always thot dat i wld not find some good souls anymore. actually i m happy to say i found some. esp. weixien, kahmun, wendy woo, puay chen eh. weixien. i thot she is a very scary person. haahaa! but well actually i liked weixien.. she is loud and rowdy. but there's a peace ard her dat i wld like to hug her arm and walk nowadays. she encourages me loads and realli enpowers me sometimes. kah mun is realli protect my finances alot. constant reminders of my 'quick rides' ard. haahaa. i m veri grateful. though i still catch 'quick rides' behind her back! haahaa. i will try to change. i promise:) wendy.. she reminds me alot of a person dat's very dear to me. someone who touches my heart wit her lil' actions. i love wendy though there's once awhile conversation. many dun noe dan i feel loved when someone brushes ur hair and say they r veri happy to see me. see me smile. wendy did dat. until today she dun noe i love dat. cos she made me feel veri loved. and make me miss dat person so much-my dearest princess weiling. puay chen. she is like a mother to me. i feel she is my listening ear. and she remind me always of chang mama. in a veri nice way.

my relationship wit chang mama. is goin the way i want. i think i realli treat her like my mama. until tdy. she still worries abt me. i m veri touched. perhaps 1 day, i wld be the capable nurse:) i feel dat i can realli open to her nw. my unhappiness. my happiness. all i can tell her. i guess i wan to be there wit her forever no matter how much she screams at me. haahaa. i m mad. it doesn;t matter. i wan to forge a strong bond wif her. i wan learn alot from her still.

liyana. mimi. though we r not always tgt. thank u for all those calls of concerns once in awhile. though i haben been there when u r so troubled at work. thank u for ur concern.

nez of cos. kelly and fiona. always there for me. always no matter where they are. always there standing wit open arms to embrace me. no matter how i become. i realli mean no matter wad i become.. haahaa.. i guess onli they wld understand.

mongling. i m still waiting... to sit sg flyer wit. haahaa. i think she forgotten. she wants to sit wif someone special... lol .. waiting for her to come back.. i realli miss her. got dis "wo kao de zhu" de zhi ji. and my da jie- always teaching me. to embrace pple. jus how much i embrace her. though alot of times, the smses to her is always "i miss u.. when u gonna come back.." always the same. but. she always gives me hope. aww.. i jus miss her loads.

my beloved comrades in faith. dearest weiling and kj. seeing my growth. always. see thru my tears of sadness and joy. so much pain, so much struggles we been thru.. being there in my darkest moments. esp wif kj. weiling's gentle touch of care. thank u.

my bestest frens.charmaine.soonmei.katherine. my longest truest pals. connects to my past, present to the future.

lastly. my 'hao jie mei' most of times. i feel i see him like 1 of my gfrens. he must be so sad. haaahaa. gilbert .. some how. shares my camera-fanatic. and music fanatic ... jus gilbert.

well i m veri xin fu.i realli am. i m forever grateful to dis pple. though they r nt great great heroes .. they r MY heroes, MY HOPe.

giving vs receiving

2008-09-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

ytd i was jus talking bout my life.. i jus missed my old life. when i was a student. when there's choices. when i felt i cld breathe.
nw... some said i m avoiding situations. which i thot i m strong enuff to not avoid. its seems dis situations dun allow me breathe.. ytd she said. i haf to grow up. stop clinging to the past. take charge of my own life. in my heart. i noe i dun wish to grow up. i m afraid i wld haf to handle the whole world on my own. and be lonely. i can't handle the reality.

dan she said abt giving. she said all my life i haf been absorbing from others. when i walked into the society. i cldn't take it dat i walked into another part of life. the giving end. the ability to provide for others. to my family, to reality, and esp to my pts. but 1st i need to take responsibility of my own life..

till then .. i wld be able to find the way out. stop clinging to the past. embrace my future. be on my battle ground. start giving. be responsible. be happy and strong.

a whole new story.

2008-09-03T09:10:00.000-07:00

leny. think ordinary. yet no reservations to show she's happy. think comfortable wit her ard.
the pple i work wit. a diversity of characters
mama chang. think woman of character. yet loving.

jus gorgeous sunset

2008-09-03T08:34:00.003-07:00

Dis is a pic of my buddy-benji boy. he's waiting for me to get out of the house. actually dis pic is over exposed. but well the look of a local hdb corridor. my mother's plants and my bicycle in the back ground. i like it.
beautiful clouds. sg dun realli haf defined clouds often, does it? great opportunity. its jus outside of my hs! lol.
the kinda of powerful sunset .. i always loved.

the blue sky!!!... its finally clear .. i dun haf to be in australia to see dis!

all in all.. its jus behind my block. look peaceful.. i dun haf to go far to take all dis wonderful photos. and i dun haf to edit any of it! woohoo. nice.

on my birthday

2008-08-31T01:20:00.004-07:00

Though dis post is kinda belated. but still.. Happy 20th Birthday to me!!.. dis wad happened on the actual day..

Peeps who stood by me. Always remembered no matter where we each go...
My midnight surprise. my onli bday cake:P something diff though. nice cake. luckily its jus nt choc cake.
though little in quantity. but in quality beats anything else. my own handmade 'stress-free' basket. my look-alike character soft toy (wendy woo said so:P), my midnight cake

jus listen

2008-08-13T07:10:00.003-07:00

haf u listen to a piece of song... jus remind u of a particular person/people. it jolts ur memory of dat comfortable place, like u realli wanna re-live dat feeling and back dat place? well.. its gifs me dat mixed up feeling of a particular person and dat long time place. and it does not necessarily starts wif a romantic relationship. dis is the song:)

Everything I Own - Bread

You sheltered me from harm

Kept me warm, kept me warm

You gave my life to me

Set me free, set me free

The finest years I ever knew

Were all the years I had with you

And...

(Chorus:)I would give anything I own

Give up my life, my heart, my home

I would give ev'rything I own

Just to have you back again

You taught me how to love

What it's of, what it's of

You never said too much

But still you showed the way

And I knew from watching you

Nobody else could ever know

The part of me that can't let go

And...

(Repeat chorus)

(Bridge:)Is there someone you know

You're loving them so

But taking them all for granted?

You may lose them one day

Someone takes them away

And they don't hear

The words you long to say

(Repeat chorus)

Just to touch you once again

i jus love the verses from the chorus to the last. and let's jus leave out the last sentence:)

mongling said.

2008-08-04T08:19:00.003-07:00

jus a casual remark. been on solo shopping. long time i've nt been doing dat. i dread shopping alone.

i was at vivo city. 1of the shop. apparently, there's dis grp of wheel-chair bound pple shopping for stuff. its realli 1 grp of them. practically no space for me to walk ard them. perhaps u may take a 2nd look at them.. and perhaps ask urself. "why r dis pple doing here?".. but well, perhaps being a nurse makes me more comfortable with such pple ard. i dun see a diff between them and normal pple. jus they need wheels ard not their legs...

remembered der's dis incident wen i was in aus wif mongling. at the great easter show. was sitting and eating the huge-est hotdog roll ever. dan 1 grp of handi-capped-wheelchair bound pple jus 'walked' us by. mongling said "dis will never happen in sg, sg poreans wld jus see them differently..."

well.. mongling. sg r starting to help dis handicapped pple lead a normal life. dat's a diff and better sg to return to:)

a day out wif fiona. jus back to being me.

2008-07-28T01:30:00.003-07:00

jus self obsessions. and impulsive buying. and dat includes my dearest pal, fiona. hah.

my deearest preceptor.

2008-07-23T07:49:00.003-07:00

this post.. been wanting to create weeks ago. jus not tthe energy to jus flip open my notebook to type it down..

promised myself dat diis blog will definitely onli contain my most positive experiences. my preceptor was and still is a wonderful experience. perhaps there's times negativity still appears. but does nt mean its entirely bad. read on.

how mani mths i haf worked wif her. since prcp. i thot she was jus impossible to understand. i feel incompetent most of the times. she is jus so perfect in my eyes. capable. fast. when will i be like her? wei xien said i sld not compare myself to her. i sld jus meet my expectations not hers. or not i wld be miserable. true.

been thinking.. why m i her preceptee again. happy yet frustrating. i wan to noe why. i guess time has given me answers. i got the chance to noe her better nowadays. she taught me of being truthful, responsible, being clear in conscience in my nursing care. i feel dat she teaches the best thru her actions. not her words- sometimes, its jus convey wrong msgs, i mean her words. and i find myself appreciating her more and more. how i wish she is my mentor too. i wan her to teach me everything. i m veri deeply grateful to her. jus dun noe how to put it to her. goin hm rides wif her.. its been meaningful.. she haf alot of experiences to share. i always loved to listen her stories. its nice to see her smile... face is all wrinkled up. sometimes i wonder if i added more wrinkles to her ageing face. hah. ssh.. any1 who read dis post. better be my confidante.

lastly.. i realli love her loads. till i haf the courage to tell her how grateful i m.

misses.

2008-06-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

lazy to type. jus look at the title. and photos will tell u each of their stories.

punggol beach.

2008-06-25T07:11:00.003-07:00

realli remote. u never noe sg still haf such places anymore. some of my best shots:P not edited. veri peaceful. lo. ancient colonian buildings in changi village!

jus reminiscise

2008-06-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

jus some random takes. sentosa and the cbd

xi you ji.

2008-05-28T06:19:00.002-07:00

i was watching xi you ji. 1 program hosted by belinda lee.. she travels to the ends of the world to look for singaporeans living everywhere. their struggles.. their lives.. those pple ard them... the program never fails me to tok abt meaningful stuffs... sincerity that touches every 1 ard dis singaporean.

dis time round.. we were 'brought' to mongolia..dis lady teaches english to the relatively modern mongolia. go ard to visit places she always go.. though i m nt the 1 to be there physically... i cld feel time stops for the 1 hr. i m brought to the serenity of mongolia's outback. if i were there. perhaps i wld nt be able to withstand the ardous journey ard. but i wld nt fear to try. if i cld live in such serenity. i wld.

the singaporen dan went on to visit dis old woman.. dat her church mates always go visit. dis old woman.. seemed to forgotten by society... live in a broken down flat. unit. wif a cardboard as her front door. sometimes when i dun see the reality of life.. i never rmbr how lucky i m. filled ard wif pple who cared. belinda also said dat.. dis old woman. wld jus shed tears in her dark little kitchen. my heart realli goes out to her. i think of my ah mahs who is my patients for the days. at dat instance. its already hard for them.. for the whole of their lives. as a nurse. i cld do a part. why nt treat them a lil' nicer? like our own grandma.

bits and pieces.

2008-05-23T07:00:00.003-07:00

been troubled by some probs. been on my mind.

jus tok wif mong ling.. jus a casual comment she said... something dat goes.. "if ur minds sets dat things will turn dis way... jus automatically.. things will jus go the way u thought." "u sld jus gif a try.. u never noe how things will turn like.."

and was reading my frens nickname .. i can jus rmbr off hand.. "why sit down and write when u haven stood to lived?".. i think it had veri great impact on me!

happiness.

2008-05-11T04:40:00.002-07:00

quite awhile since i blogged:) busy most of the time.. but been able to read SSA times in between classes:P

i read something interesting a few days back...

1. By the Ukrainian poet Ivan Franko
" The sprouts of happiness reside in each person's heart.
If those sprouts are fostered, how big they will eventually grow!
The source of life lies within me.
I have no reason to long for some distant heaven!"

2. By Daisaku Ikeda
" The size of our hearts is not defined by favourable or unfavourable circumstances. Our hearts can expand infinitely. People can be bighearted or small-hearted, irrespective of their situations... It's our inner state of mind or attittude that is important. Our heart decides everything. What matters is how rich we are inside."

miss band.

2008-05-04T00:08:00.003-07:00

Nvm how long i left jysb. i still miss the adreanaline rush. hah! nvm the ugly, childish me. these are realli memories k!... rmbring i was the leader of these clarinetists for whole 2 yrs. muahhaha. i wondered how i did it:P how mani times i failed yet i jus kept stepping up. and my. i m THIN... boy, jus love to reminisce..

taken at Victoria Concert Hall. 2004.

christine(left) on the bass. laicheng and me on B flats.

My 'successor' in leadership!

The whole clan.

gifts for them.

2008-05-02T23:12:00.003-07:00

i made these awhile ago. been waiting for dis gifts to reach their owners nw. and i can tell u dis is the result of too long a vaction. and tryin to make myself useful. i made 2 of my best birthday gifts!.. its nt too shabby i hoped. the most impt is i made them from my heart:P..
Liyana. is helping me wif the finishing touches to make gifts the very best. Thanks dear! and oops. she jus look abit insane after the fragile wraps tore a few times:P

at 58.

2008-04-29T03:51:00.004-07:00

been started wif foundation programme.. aka 'start work':) its been good.

jus fighting fatigue. too long a rest.. forgot wad does 'fatigue' meant. lol..

dan today leh.. i stepped in 58 again. got guts to go in.. been wanting to pay sn chang a visit. been once back.. but din manage to see her.. dis time! i din miss her!.. jus like a tall person who walk realli quick here and there. definitely. jus delight to see my preceptor again:P actually ever since prcp. i m realli afraid to tok to her again ah... gt phobia of her loud squealing voice and dat unfinished wish to make her proud:P

nw.. wearin the staff nurse uniform, in 58, rashidah called out for her for me... she's was in the male's cubicle..there goes her voice, "wad is it??!!!... i m veri busy u noe?!.." i wondered sld i step in. "aiya. jus go peep and see!" i went in and said in gusto "hello sn chang!.. how r u?" she looked up and looked surprised. the feeling.. is so gd oh.. we din say much.. but at least nw. i dun tok to her like a mouse. jus scared. but nw .. gt improvement. haha! i m jus happy dat i went in. and tok to her.. its jus great.

was reminicing wif liyana aft the visit. afterall. 1 NM said 58 is 1 of the busiest ward. i m jus happy i suffered the most gruelling moments. having an excellent preceptor. though i m afraid, i realli learn alot from her. she sacrificed alot for me and stacy. wanting to make us good staff nurses... if for other... i wonder if they cld be as good as sn chang to us. i will consider myself lucky... and the happenings in 58. sometimes. though it felt like a battle ground and losing fight. i think back. i think i enjoyed too. its funny jus looking at our staff nurses! liyana can imitate them all. its hilarious! but they r super nice pple!

sunday afternn.

2008-04-28T02:34:00.000-07:00

i met up with kj jus nw.

planning today i will haf a good dialogue wif her tdy. i wanna tell her, she mattered to me alot. instead aft sharing. she in turn empower me more:)

jus 1 thing she shared wif me for my member. but i think is also vital for me.

"since dis is already ur misson. you must definitely face up courageously. Never mind the consequences, the results. You jus do it ur best, with all your might."

dis post is my "last" b4 i realli face my mission 2mlo. realli sat down and recollect all dat weiling, kj, liping, elaine, sulin, kelly, raymond, daniel, wong lee and finally deearest mong ling shared wif me... on mani mani occasions.. so mani dat encouraged me deeply. 2mlo will be the start. i m nt afraid. i must spear head on my own nw.

till my nez post.

victorious life. powerful guidances.

2008-04-27T01:36:00.003-07:00

i been for a student division mtg ytd afternn.

thinking abt ytd. i realli had a victorious sat. i managed to share a part wif my member from nyp. in the morning. then went for sd mtg and be inspired. at nite. i shared wif my district uncles and aunties.. and encouraged them alot:)

well. the main pts dat i was deeply inspired, they were sharing of conviction dat our 3 soka gakkai presidents had:

1. "Even though incapable and lack of absolute confidence, i had bolstered myself... dat i wld dedicate my life to kosen-rufu(happines of others).."
share by 2nd president, Josei Toda, when he hesitated to succeed presidency in soka gakkai. mong ling asked me something liddat, "r u fit to be a nurse?" and something related abt dis..i was impacted by her words. i think.. like toda sensei. i m incapable and lack of absolute confidence, but i will dedicate my life to dis mission of mine.. no matter how much hardships. i will take it. if my mission lies elsewhere. so be it. i will also haf dis same mindset.

2. "like body and shadow", "not follow the person, but the spirit of the person"
i jus thot of mong ling, she must think... i m now following her like shadow. hah. blog also blog bout her. but in my heart, like ikeda sensei he followed his mentor, josei toda.. everyday he will always quote his words. i think likewise ... for mongling..in nursing she is somewhat like my mentor. i want to follow her gd spirit.

3. "Training platforms in life"
hardships. are the trainin platform. onli when u go thru downs, its when we resolove to change for the better, it will be ur turning prime pt in life.

4. "you sld nt haf the slightest fear, for courage is the key to happiness."

kj.

2008-04-26T09:40:00.003-07:00

taken when i was doin prcp.

the yrs tgt.. long hair.. short hair...

today i saw kai jing. i was looking at her expression in the mtg. so long i haven looked at her like dat.. i saw the struggles we had together... in gakkai... outside.. in our homes.. i still rmbred how she grew from a stubborn little girl.. till nw. she had so much compassion..still hot-tempered .. but lucky she manages to tolerate:P.. i rmbred she cried. her fainting spells bcos of fatigue. her terrible knee.our quarrels.. all she managed. i managed. all the so much encouragements for me.. all dat my crying, my joys, big hugs.. sharing wif her... hah. it is all gd.. and..dis post is for her. thanks kai jing.

special date. at the usual pizza hut.

2008-04-24T10:01:00.004-07:00

my 'comrade-in-struggle' sgh, my "spirit-lifter"

liyana-licious

my "shopping kaki", my "comfort-person"

my "inspiration" .. fiona-mama ...

my "look-alike-sister", my "encourager",

my "solace"...kelly-dearie....

my deearest dearest frens.....

all for kelly

when we get too bored. or jus being spastic

forbidden kingdom.

2008-04-22T08:05:00.001-07:00

watched the forbidden kingdom a couple of days back.

all i can say it was great!.. the beautiful scenes... proud to be a chinese... there's alot of kungfus and stuff.. but it was so filled wif chinese culture.. that it took me to the the grandest scale of chinese heritage in the past..

though... it was toking bout sun wukong.. come on. if u r chinese.. u watched ur share of sun wukong since young:P.. but dis story... was realli bout mentor and disciple.. courage. perserverance.. love for other.. dat took the lead to immeasurable heights to fulfil his mission...

and mix of ancient and present. its jus super good..

finally, a pharse at the end of the show.. i realli liked..goes something like dis.. " and so it took him to walk the road of the warrior and on his way.. to find his own truth.."

ps. watch the movie. perhaps u can get wad i meant. haha!

cics. as a family.

2008-04-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

if any1 wld understand dis post. onli weiling wld.

polaris. for the longest time i dun noe wad it is. till dat day .. daniel and raymond said it a time. where friends actually come tgt despite the diff courses we study.. sitting tgt even though there's nothing to talk. just presence.. a friendship bond cld be form over time..i still rmbr. that day. i din wanted to go to polaris. was having attachments. but veri low life condition. cos i saw aborted babies. the saddest thing. i still rmbred i cried for a long time. and weiling was my shoulder. no encouragements. she's jus there.. it was veri comforting...

dan they also shared.. "expand your life is better dan expand your mind.."

and also.. cics must definitely unite like a close knitted family. cos no matter wad happens outside ... we still haf dis family to go back to seek solace. yes. cics are there. we jus need to communicate more. dan we can definitely be "able for dat 100 pple to take dat 1 step..."

date wif sulin.

2008-04-19T07:22:00.001-07:00

dunno why sulin stand so far. but dis pic is already the best!!! lol.

ohh... gosh... so long so long i never meet sulin! finally aft weiling reminded. and angela. hah. i decided they r prompts to meet her!

there goes. dragged kaijing wif me. so long never see her le. jus dunno wad to say. but well. its was so great to be able to meet her again! someone who encouraged me so much in the past!

she actually went to japan and met ikeda sensei yea! she shared alot of sensei's guidance wif us.. makes me feel sensei is jus seated around the table where we were at...

on a few occasions.. she shared bout sensei:

1. sensei walked in the main hall in a formal meeting.

sulin said he actually took a long time to shake every guests hands and sincerely thank them from his heart. evry1 he asked for their well being. dat kept reminded dat sensei is jus an ordinary human being no a saint dat every1 prays to.. yet he cld display such sincerity dat onli saints can.

2. jus as every mtg. he always gif 'twist' signs *those u do wif ur index and midddle finger when u take pics* to the audience. actually when he does dis.. he wanna tell the audience dat they had indeed triumph .. 真的胜利了! if i m there... i must haf done pretty well in life lo! sure tears of joy will stream down my face.. veri touched.

3. sensei guidances to the youths:

- never lie to anyone, or u will be stabbed by thousand needles
- always filial to your parents
- if u wanna do something. do it ur best. and afterwards always others "m i doin it rite?"

sensei actually shared dis guidances in mani language. as sensei is a jap.. he tried to share in eng. mandarin etc.. he asked 1 of the lecturer from soka u.. aftewards.."m i doin it rite".. the lecturer actually said "its ok sensei". morale of the story.. if u wanna do something, dun be afraid to make mistakes.." onli dat way u wld learn. thank u so much sulin!

i get it.

2008-04-18T08:08:00.003-07:00

today i haf yet another meaningful dialogue wif liping:)

jus a couple of sentences she said:P

"out of a 100%, never divide ur efforts for gakkai activities and ur new started out career. Rather... whether u r working and caring for the sick, always gif 100%.. and aft work.. when u go for gakkai activites.. also strive to gif a 100%..."

and then...when she said dis particular phrase.. i realise wad mong ling said to me a long long time ago.. she said "work fast, nt accident prone" i was pondering real long.. for abt a mth.. i thot i must be superwoman dan i can be fast and nt accident prone...
dan tdy liping actually said to me again.. "when we do things... wo men yao ji.. bu yao huang".. nw i get wad mong ling wanna tell me.. ages ago..

nw left 1 week b4 i m realli gonna put on SN uniform... realli excited to put all dat i haf learnt from lotsa pple for the past few mths.. most of it. from my sydney trip:) jia you ba,'自己'!

master of my mind, person of calibre

2008-04-17T07:39:00.003-07:00

jus talked to mong ling again! so happy to literally able to 'see' her again on skype! dis is the rarest time where i m gonna praise technology cos most of the time it dun work my way:P

anyways. back to our conversation. i jus feel dat amongst all of my frens... mongling is the 1 of rarest person dat i haf serious talks wif all the time.. always felt dat our conversation had lotsa of depth. and always fulfilling.

dis time round. she taught me to aspire to be a person of calibre. so i wun get 'bullied' in future. she taught me also.. i MUST haf a mind of my own. never to sway where the waves take me..

roller blades day!

2008-04-16T08:52:00.001-07:00

me and wong lee
yea! finally on blades! hands off!
she's jus tryin to sell my havanas. oh well. to no 1. at ECP.

actually blading is something i realli wanna do in the longest time. yet today i haf managed to blade. all becos i can trust myself alittle more- to make it the end of the road:P though a couples of hand gripping incidents and screams. manage to make a few slopes on my own! kudos to myself!!!

encouragements dat came from my own

2008-04-15T08:31:00.004-07:00

suppose to be having a dialogue wif jamie tonite. yet i gt encouraged instead. was sharing again wif liping bout my sydney trip. yet again. i discovered another thing i learnt from dis trip.

those of u dat might heard dat i haf gotten lost in sydney. perhaps pple think i m crazy.or jus being smart. but liping, definitely din. she said it was a benefit.

becos i had gotten lost dan... i told myself dat time i wld definitely find my way hm b4 9pm! she said i wldn't haf made it hm if i do not haf the conviction to do so. and in life..it applies the same ... even i got lost 1 day, apparently in life. i must haf the conviction dat i m able to find my way.

nez thing. she tok to me abt seeking spirit. i actually shared wif her wad was goin thru my mind b4 i flew off to sydney dat very day. i had uncertainty if dat was the right thing to do. why nt go to nikole? i known her for the longest time. but in my heart i noe i need answers. becos of dat.. i want to seeek. no matter how much the odds will be. and i came back wif a new found friendship, some 1 i respect.. and my answers!

jus good old pals.

2008-04-14T09:19:00.002-07:00

rare chance for a gt-tgt. us sec sch mateS! jus diff w/o kat. oh well.

we change so much!!

2008

2007

dis is when we 'running' last lap in sec sch! kiddish! but hilarious! the way we used to be and look like! guess which is me?! hah.

2004

nypsd inst mtg

2008-04-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

awe...i realli learnt alot from the inst mtg..

*recall* there's nt mani pple turning up for dis mtg. jus the usual us..but it was meaningul afternoon.. 3 things i learnt.

from angela: she shared her testimonial! realli learn alot from her. she said something dat realli struck me yet so simple.. "your weakness is wad you limit yourself.." she made me believe dat instant, i cld realli do everything dat the world gives me!hah.

from raymond: i jus dun get it... raymond is some1 dat i haf neg feelings of him at times... i dunno wheere dis feelings come from...besides he's jus wl's bf.. haahaa. anyways. dat's nt the pt. i m always encouraged veri much by his words from nichiren buddhism. he's jus an ordinary guy. nt a monk.. or some1 who reads abt buddhism everymin of his life. he work like us too! but his words.. sometimes feel like a sharp ray of light dat pierce thru my world of darkness and doubts.

he said: "why ikeda sensei writing every account dat happened to him.. the campaigns he fought wif toda sensei... even till dead of the nite, he never fail to write dis accounts everyday into his diary.." becos ikeda sensei wants to keep an accurate account of SGI.. he foresee dat SGI can be so easily destroyed becos of ext env. and dat dis accounts dat happeend so many so many yrs ago can still encourage the pple tdy.

dat's why i m writing dis blog. so dat if i come back to dis blog.. dis are the everyday events dat i had been thru. the so mani encouragements. i hope they will definitely encourage me again when i m older:)

dialogue wif weiling

2008-04-12T07:53:00.001-07:00

alil' photo tgt to 'commemorate' our dialogue.. hah.

ah.. its such rare opportunity to meet my dearest weiling!.. 2 times in 2 weeks! i m so lucky! cos she is willing to come encourage me amidst her busy shedule!

we shared alot alot dis evening:P so mani so mani wonderful advices .. cannot rmbr so much..

she shared wif me a couple stuff dat i find its realli true:

"if u stand in front of a obstacle and think so much..it will useless... why nt take the 1st step... though u r faced wif uncertainty.. but if u never try, u never noe how much u can do.."

"if u realli care for some1... open ur heart so big dat it can contain vast compassion for dat person.. and definitely do ur best till the person can feel realli loved.." dat's how u sld do as a fren.

and yes. to any1 ... always speak wif sincerity dat comes from ur heart.

My Guitar Gently Weeps

2008-04-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

dis is actually a video intro by bert. i din noe listening to the acoustic guitar can make me so high!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5qakFIecBU&feature=related

Chat With Gohonzon

2008-04-10T06:12:00.000-07:00

there's dis article from a email my fren sent me, got alot of powerful phrases i wanna share, some realli haf profound meanings. hope u will also can learn from this pharses:)

"Productivity gets u results.Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it."

"Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional."

"Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional."

"Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by u."

and my fav phrase today.. for motivation..

"Always look at how far you haf come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessings, not what you are missing."

"Seek not to find who u are, but determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why u are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation."

"Face your past w/o regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future w/o fear."

dis is wad i wanna to be encouraged tdy.

the rare opportunity

2008-04-09T02:28:00.001-07:00

dis are some shots dat i took wif fiona and kelly:P.. jus a few hrs b4 we gotta get busy wif our stuff!

the real you.

2008-04-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

i was readin the ssa times today.

was saying bout being the real you.

cos was having trouble talking to my members sometime back. always feel dat i m portraying some1 dat i m nt. dat is. veri-caring.

sometimes. when i talk, i talk alot. but in front of my members. i jus become over-talkative.

interesting phrases from dis article:
"If you try to make pple think you're something u r nt, then speaking will be nothing but a torture."

and dis followin phrases reminds me of mong ling:P, it goes:
"if you are nt talkative, how bout becoming an excellent listener? You can tell others "i want to hear all about you."

"A person of a few words is likely to speak with far more substance and depth than someone who talks just to hear his or her own voice!"

"The beautiful smile or small, unconscious gesture of a person wif a rich heart, even if he or she is quiet, will speak more eloquently than any words"

Reminiscence...

2008-04-07T23:28:00.001-07:00

*best shots i haf taken from my lil' viewfinder*

my friend once said to me nt long ago,"one day when u r older, i guess u will never forget the part in ur memory that u actually went to sdyney... and dat person that encourages u the most..."

Yes. till dis day.. its has been a week and 3 days since i came back. still reminded of dat person...i noe i m gonna be 1.. but me jus keep calling her Staff Nurse makes me feels close. makes me feel there is dis some1 always looking out for me:)..

being in sdyney. i gained alot. loads of thinking. loads of courage i brought back hm. all owe it to her. i haf learnt . thinkin to myself "i m gonna analyse b4 i do anything the minute i haf returned to sg.." its hard to keep dat promise cos ur mood jus flactuates so much from day to day..some day u jus wanna be lazy. dun wanna think bout anything. but thinkin is vital. i m trying hard. i wan to be able to do it. so she can see it. i guess the nez thing she wanna see is the confident denise:) let it be my accomplishment in the near future.

and my.. i brought hm courage from her.. so much dat. i believe that "courage" is spreaded all on the road in nursing. so much dat it wld last till the end.. till at the end of the road. she's standing there wif a smile.. i can tell her - i made it.

all dis aspirations shall serve as a reminder to me everytime i think i needed something to push forward.

and the person dat encouraged me on the faithful trip is mong ling:) if u r reading dis post.. i wanna tell u. thank you.

Fiona.

2008-04-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

a few days ago. i was on the train wif fiona..

jus suddenly realise while she was speaking..kelly's words jus popped into my head "Fiona is even more afraid to start work as a staff nurse.."

it happened a week ago..kelly was jus encouragin me dat i cld do it. there's nothing to be afraid of the transition of a student to a staff nurse".. dat's when she spoked abt fiona..

on the train. fiona shared her stories of being a HCA wif me.. how she talked to the pts.. to the doctors.. jus made me feel. "whoa.. how can a shy fiona cld ever do dat?" n me.. fiona wld prob say "denise is much stronger, better in academics..she wld sure perform better in clincals.." bt well.. i noe very well the ans in myself.. fiona is much more open to pple. it wld definitely beat the scores in exams..

fiona jus realli encouraged me alot.. thinking to myself. "why she can actually do it.. wad abt me? i can too." thanks fiona:P

its up and running!! wee~~!!

2008-04-05T22:32:00.001-08:00

this is as simple as it can get. perfectionist me. i haf chosen dis template over a 1000s. great. nw i m satisfied. *big smiles*